A good example is my semi-obsession with Japan. I used to be a big fan of Japanese animation. Now I'm only interested in a few specific things, like Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind, mainly because I think it's an amazing piece of storytelling, not exactly because it's Japanese. Anyways, I'm still interested in video games and Japanese culture in general. But I don't think very many people are aware of it. My few friends certainly are aware of it, but my family may--at best--be vaguely aware of some connection with Japan. Certainly my peers were totally unaware of my little hobby. I think it's because of the way people reacted when I was stupid enough to reveal my interest. Ranging from just plain strange looks to racist remarks, I found that it was best to keep it to myself.
Going back to my point of our two-halves... I think the disparity of who I am and who I pretend to be is larger than most people. I have a desire to tell everyone how freaky I am, but at the same time I want nothing more than to hide that from everyone. So since I'm a pussy, I thought I'd just open an anonymous webpage and pour my freakish heart and soul out to anyone stupid and bored enough to read it.
It's 3:30am right now, and Sabrina the Teenage Witch is on because of a pre-season football game. I just realized that I find Sabrina's best friend very attractive. Sure she's attractive physically, but the real draw is that she's an insecure paranoid freak. I find that very attractive...maybe because a person like that would be more approachable for me...
I suppose I wouldn't be shocking anyone when I say that relationships with the opposite sex don't go too well for me. I remember when in the fourth grade I was totally 'in love' with a girl in my class. She wrote me a note once, and I damn near pissed my pants (well, not really). I fucking put it on my wall. I just couldn't get over the fact that she touched that piece of paper! She was always very nice to me. But then again, she was nice in general. I remember when our class went to a professional baseball game, and everyone was playing this "dating game". It was some kind of formula where you'd say your three preferred wives, number of children, and etc. And this formula would tell you what would happen, and blah blah blah. Anyways, it just so happened that this girl was doing it with me (the game, stupid). She of course asked me who my three preferred girls were. Hmm, HER, HER, and...uhh...HER! Of course I didn't say that, though. I immediately named the two most popular girls in the class, just by default. Now the third...do I dare say her? Well, honest to god, I said, "Well...I guess you..." AGH! I made it sound like she was just a filler option. But, of course she wasn't offended. In fact, she later said she thought I was "sweet" for mentioning her.
So what happened to this magical romance? Well, summer came, and I occasionally saw her. That September I looked forward to school like I never have before. But, alas, she was not in my class that year. Oh well, I'd still see her during lunch, right? RIGHT? Of course not! She moved away during the summer. She moved away! I was in shock. The only girl who was ever nice to me was GONE. I have never felt that way about a girl ever since then. I've been attracted and whatever, but I don't think I'll ever be crazy like that for anyone ever again.
Well shit, that was downright Wonderyears-ish. Maybe I should nickname her Winnie Cooper for future reference? Anyways, this is hella long now, and I have lots of time to talk about how pathetic I am later. Drop me a line and tell me I suck, I don't care.