Okay, at the risk of sounding like every other crappy 'angst' website... I hate trendy people. I hate people people that beg their parents for new Abercombie clothes, and don't even know how much their college tuition is because mommy and daddy are 'taking care of it.' I hate people that can listen to--and even admire--poppy fluff music. These people are sheep.

But do you know what bothers me more? Sheeps who act like they're not. Just because you don't follow the 'popular' crowd, doesn't make you some kind of individual that doesn't follow anybody. Bullshit. Most of the people who I know who constantly mock teen idol bands and 'sheeps' are frequently more conformist and concerned about what people think about them then the 'sheep' they mock. They try so hard to make it known that they're 'outside' it's kind of sad. I find that 'punks' are the worst when it comes to this. If you don't act and dress a very specific way you risk being labeled a poseur. Just because you don't follow the crowd doesn't mean you don't follow a crowd. I really don't see any difference between the trendy people and the 'anti-trendy' people. They're just different angles of the same mirror.

So, what about me? Am I any different? Maybe not. I do care about what people think about me... (I've said this before, but...) It would be more accurate to say I try not to let people think about me at all. I don't like to be noticed. But I'm fighting that. I do know some people that truly are individual, and really don't give a fuck what people think about them. They're not ashamed of what they like. Whereas I'll try to hide something if I think a person will think it's lame or stupid. But I'm getting better at expressing myself. I took that 'Are You a Freak?' test again, and my willingness to express dissent is going up.

But am I just wasting my time? Remember that the hippies of the 60s swore that they were going to change the system. Well, now they're the ones running Wallstreet and are heading the latest corporate mergers. Will I struggle all throughout college to build the courage to express myself only to be another cog in a corporate empire? (This is my biggest fear if I become a graphic designer.) I think a paragraph from Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings describes my fears well:

To be left alone on the tightrope of youthful unknowing is to experience the excruciating beauty of full freedom and the threat of eternal indecision. Few, if any, survive their teens. Most surrender to the vague but murderous pressure of adult conformity. It becomes easier to die and avoid conflicts than to maintain a constant battle with the superior forces of maturity.

Yes! Overall I found the book to be good, but it didn't connect to me like E.E. Cummings poetry. Except for that paragraph. That paragraph woke me up. I sometimes envy the trendy and comforming people. It really would be easier to just let yourself go and float down the stream with everyone else. But, I hate that. It disgusts me. Somewhere deep down in even the most uninteresting person is a unique individual struggling to escape. I want to hide it no longer. Even if it means alienating myself even more from everyone else, I can only truly be happy when I am myself. But I am only myself with myself! It's hard to be intimate with anyone when you guard yourself so closely.

The only thing I don't like about that paragraph is that it implies that teenagers, by nature, are individuals. But with all of the trendy and anti-trandy people, it's safe to say that isn't true for everyone. I don't really see how being an individual when you are a teen is any easier than when you're an adult. But it does seem that those who want to 'rock the boat' in their youth do eventually surrender to adulthood (the hippies, etc.).

Like I said before, will I finally express who I am just when I must hide it the most? I'm almost sounding trite, but I really want to be different, and be unafraid to express it. I don't want to be a graphic designer in some crappy marketing dept., I want to be in a small independant graphic design firm. One that's willing to take unique and creative approaches to design. Have I mentioned that I hate advertising? What a complete fucking waste of talent and creativity! Somes ads have really been truely creative, but I can't help but think that it's still nothing more than a piece of paper or television spot designed to trick me into giving the advertiser money for a product. It's a curse that I like design so much.