Right now, I am: Wearing: Ocean Pacific shirt and dark brown corduroy pants. Hair: It's not even remotely burgundy anymore--just pink. Listening to: They Might Be Giants Eating/drinking: Diet Coke Thinking about: Look below, dingleberry.

When you're following an angel Does it mean you have to throw your body off a building? Somewhere they're meeting on a pinhead Calling you an angel, calling you the nicest things I heard they had a space program When they sing you can't hear, there's no air Sometimes I think I kind of like that and Other times I think I'm already there -- They Might Be Giants, "She's an Angel"

Ah, for two hours tonight, I was someone else. I was Noone Else. It was 7:30pm, and I decided I needed to go somewhere. I decided to grab one of my Blockbuster free DVD coupons and go rent a movie. I had no desire to watch one; I just needed an excuse to leave. But when I got to Blockbuster, I kept walking. I was no longer Vance, mediocre college student, I was Nobody. Just some dork with pink hair going nowhere. I felt naked. It was 32 degrees F, though it felt like 15 taking wind and wind chill into consideration. The wind seemed to just go through my jacket and pants. After awhile I just felt numb. I wanted to get lost in the streets of Minneapolis, but I had no such luck. When I finally decided to turn around I decided to just lay down in the cold grass along the way. I just looked at the sky. Remember when you were little and you could just lay down and watch the world turn? Why can't we do that anymore? I got strange looks from passerbys, of course. But I didn't care. Unfortunately, the sky was cloudy. A few weeks ago I was at my parents, and I noticed the sky was perfectly clear at night. I could see every star. I couldn't recall the last time the stars were so vivid at night. I still wasn't in any hurry, so when I was crossing the Washington Ave. bridge, I just stopped and looked. The water was pitch black, except for the lights of the buildings reflecting on it. The world seems so much more beautiful at night.

But alas, I had to return. I hadn't eaten since noon; and it felt like it. I got home at 9:30pm. I felt very weird. Warm and fuzzy. Like I had a fever, but my forehead wasn't hot. I went to bed, and I felt equisite. I didn't have to consciously quiet my mind. I was warm (and of course, fuzzy), and I went to sleep. Unfortunately, when I woke up around 4am it was gone. The temporary escape was nice, I guess.

God I love the song "She's an Angel" by They Might Be Giants. It's so beautiful. I relate to it so much. I can't wait until I can see TMBG live again. Maybe my own angel will be there. I always think of that girl when I hear that song.

I don't think I can get into my college's graphic design program. I just don't have the focus to do good at boring shit I'm doing in general college right now. It's easy, I could get an A in all of my classes, but I can't fucking do shit I don't like. I just don't give a shit. It pisses me off that my school's graphic design program is so competitive. And it's only that way because it's so small compared to the other colleges in the university. There's no reason to think someone with a 4.0 GPA will be a better graphic artist than someone with a 2.5 GPA. Maybe I should just go to a specialized school and get an associates in graphic design. But I don't want to talk to my mom about it. "Hi, mom, you know that $10,000 you're spending on me to get a highschool-level education at a university? Yeah, well, nevermind that now! I'm changing my mind."

I want to get away from my family. I think that's the only way I can truely be free. There is no one I hide my 'true' self more than in front of my family. My mom is afraid of 'losing' me, I think. She really did not want me to live in the dorms. She always said it was my decision, but it was quite clear that she didn't want me to. And I almost fucking didn't send in the housing contract. I'd be so much more miserable at home. My oldest brother told me shortly after school started that my mother told him she was worried about me because I'm not very social. That stupid bitch. She would rather coddle me at home? Like I'm just going to be so alone and scared in the big city all by myself without any friends. I actually told her that I didn't want to ever move back home if I could prevent it. She joked that it was fine, and she only wished her other kids were so willing to move out. I guess I can't blame her. She now lives with a moronic drunk husband, my...'inconsistant' sister, and her two kids. I was probably the only one there that kept her sane. But she's a fool for not divorcing my father when she should have. She has an infinite capacity for bitching, but none for action.

So anyways, I ordered some stickers from unamerican.com a few weeks ago, and decided to have them sent to my parent's house. So I got a message on my voice mail the other day from her asking what this shit from unamerican.com is, and if I'm a Neo Nazi now or something. I couldn't tell if she was joking or what. I should just go home this weekend and tell her that I'm a fucking atheist and I wanted to go to Seattle to protest the WTO. But I can't do that. God forbid I walk into a confrontation.

Well, my personality has quite nicely been described here. It's some personality test, and I fell in the category of iNFp. I forget what the stands for... You can explore the Keirsey website and see where you fit. iNFps are only found in 1 percent of the population. Well fuck, if I ever felt alone before, that little tidbit doesn't help any.