Right now, I am: Wearing: Old Navy gray t-shirt (hey, it was a gift) and black pants. Hair: Pink, though blond is starting to show. Listening to: Princess Mononoke Symphonic Suite Eating/drinking: Diet Coke Thinking about: God damn this music is beautiful.
Princess Mononoke In the moonlight I felt your heart quiver like a bow-string's pulse In the moon's pale light you looked at me Nobody knows your heart When the sun has gone I see you beautiful and haunting but cold Like the blade of a knife so sharp, so sweet Nobody knows your heart		All of your sorrow, grief and pain locked away in the forests of the night Your secret heart belongs to the world of the things that sigh in the dark of the things that cry in the dark -- Composed and Arranged by Joe Hisaishi Lyrics by Hayao Miyazaki

I finally know what my ultimate fear in life is. It's not heights, death, claustrophobia, or anything "normal" like that. It's mediocrity. My greatest fear is that when I'm old and gray and when I look back on my life I'll realize that I achieved nothing, made no impact on anyone, and generally wasted my time here on earth. And so far I'm living my fear. Have I really done anything? Is there anything I do that a million other people can't do millions of times better?

Now, I'm not talking about any of that carpe diem (seize the day) bullshit. I'm talking about truely giving everything your all and not compromising your values. I don't give a fuck about fame, fortune, a good wife, and 2.5 kids. All I really want is to be able to look back and say that I never compromised myself or sacrificed my values. I don't know if anyone can relate to what I'm saying... I don't want to stop dying my hair for a job, I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not for a wife.

Hayao Miyazaki is the perfect example of who I want to be. He became rich and famous merely as a side effect of never giving up. Even when he was doing menial work in animation he made large contributions to the films and television shows. He is showing the United States was he showed Japan 20 and 30 years ago: that animation is a viable medium for real stories. Drama, comedy, action; it can be done just as well (and sometimes better) as live action, and it need not be toned down for younger audiences. And then there are his strong poltical and philosophical values that are large parts of his films, but never come off as preachy. It's like he's merely retelling a true story. Even today Studio Ghibli refuses to take marketing and merchandise into any consideration until after the movie is made. He had the fucking balls to do things the exact opposite everyone else did, and he made it work. I'm not saying I want to be some unmovable rock; that would be foolish. But it just seems that people today are so ready and willing to whore themselves out for a job, a lover, a home, and everything else. I am not so ready. Maybe you can't understand...but there's nothing I can do about that.

Sigh... Okay. I've resisted doing this with every fiber of my being, but I have to talk about the Columbine bullshit; since now it appears that some truth is coming out. God, I hate those little scumfucks. They're going to make the lives of so many kids in high schools across the country so much more unbarable because they were too pussy to just kill themselves. And every time some little dork who got picked on in high school decides he wants to be a martyr, it will get worse. Each shooting will give the religious right more and more clout to suffocate those who do not 'fit-in.' Every white male that isn't an athelete, or an atheletic supporter (sorry, couldn't resist) and is 'a loner' is going to have a cloud of suspicion following them. I am so glad I'm not in high school any more. I especially hate the kid who seemed to have this weird infatuation with the four year old game Doom. Hell, I just got my copy of Quake 3 Arena today. Those games are fun. It's a great way to relieve stress. This is how people enjoy games like Quake and Doom, but Harris liked it in another way. It's like how the guy who killed John Lennon loved The Catcher in the Rye. That's a great book; but is it some how bad and evil because some mad man liked it (and probably didn't even understand it)? Instead of tightening our grip on students, we need to loosen it. It's that suffocating and oppressive air that high schools have that can drive people to maddness. People need to realize that removing Doom, Resevoir Dogs, and Marilyn Manson will do nothing to curb the trend. While I can empathize with being shy and picked on, and generally being outcasts, I still think that those kids were just a bunch of little assfucks who wanted an excuse to "go down in flames." They may have caused harm that will take years to heal. I'm not unsympathetic to the victims of the tragedy, but I feel more sorry for the kids in the years to come who will have to bear the brunt of opportunistic politicians and vengeful parents.